I was the owner of Berry Fresh Energy Drink™. Berry Fresh was not just a name, but a rallying cry—an affront to our competitors, the shameless grifters who pumped the youth full of toxic sludge.

Read this manual carefully before assembling. Or don’t—your funeral. If you have any questions about assembly, operation, or repair, call 1-800-835-6765.

When I first saw your ad on the L, I was skeptical. No offense, but it looked like a chimp threw it together in Microsoft Paint. It was hella sketch.

Our desert-night camouflage pattern may bring back memories of the flak you donned in Bagdad.

Facial Features: Eyes that hardened when he stepped onto the asphalt. They contained no trace of the man who tousled my hair and cut the crust off my sandwiches. Within those steely irises was only pure killer instinct.

Did some high-pressure salesperson twist your arm into buying a timeshare? Did they “forget” to mention that your fees would go up year after year after year?

Are you having difficulty getting started? Experiencing frequent urges to go? Has your prostate ballooned to proportions that defy the laws of medical science?

I still remember the pounding of the rain, the howling of the wind, the white-hot flash of lightning that seared through the night as I breathed life into my creation. While my wife slumbered in the other room, I alone bore witness to the birth.

“I shall request a short black coffee with a splash of skimm’d milk,” Shakespeare said. “Sure. That’ll be £2.10, sir.” Shakespeare presented the barista with his debit card.

Already, Joan is running late. But she still hasn’t found the right outfit—the ensemble bold enough to signal a triumphant return from her fifty-four-day leave of absence, but not so bold as to upstage the victims.